How do you know when a drum riser is level? When The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth! What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the clarinet section. How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust. The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?" What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock speeds up or slows down. Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common. Both suck when you plug them in. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice. One, but the guitarist has to show him first. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares? What do you call a band of topless female accordian players? Ladies in Pain Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise. What do you engrave on a blues singer's tombstone? "I didn't wake up this morning..." What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? Eventually the puppy stops whining. How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. A conductor and a clarinetist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. How is a conductor like a condom? It's safer with one, but more fun without! St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."